Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
