Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
