She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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