oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
