Someone shit on the floor
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Randomize
