My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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