I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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