And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
