There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
