Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
