john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
