so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
