So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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