all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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