Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
