I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
