if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
