The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
