What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
