just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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