New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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