so explain again why im purple
no
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
