Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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