It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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