Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
