just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
