The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
