either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
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It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
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And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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