Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
