I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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