I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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