I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
