mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
