I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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