Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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