I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Randomize
