The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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