Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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