there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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