Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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