I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
