I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
