the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
