Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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