the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
