??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
