I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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