dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
