'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
