drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
