I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
