Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
