my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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