I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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