That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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