I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
