yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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