walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
