I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
